I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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