Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
