Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
