Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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