you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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