8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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