You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
