there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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