Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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