By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
