I'm so fucking centered right now
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
