Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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