Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
