I wish I could punch you in the face.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can Purell be used as lube?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I fill condoms, not promises.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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