I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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