Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
