I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
