A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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