She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
