Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
