I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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