At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
