there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
50% drunk capacity currently
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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