Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
