he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Michael Bay diarrhea
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
