are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My penis needs a shock collar
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
