I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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