Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
