P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
