you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize