I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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