2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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