This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
