Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
