There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
