I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
