Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
