I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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