Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
