I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
