I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The air was thick with penises
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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