Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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