Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Randomize
