Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
