wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
