Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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