i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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