My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
