You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Someone came in the potted fern
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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