You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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