Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
