How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
