I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize