cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
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i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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