Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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