and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
