when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
